On blame, resentment, pardon, and freedom
Considering St. Francis' famous prayer, line by line
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned.
Forgiveness and blame are two sides of the coin of pardon. When I forgive another, I forgive myself. We are all worthy of empathy and understanding, and therefore of pardon. Blame is the opposite of pardon. Blame directs anger outward, making an object of a subject. Blame others and separates. Pardon draws subject and object together through a shared understanding that we are all flawed, all trying, all seeking. All connected.
Baltimore’s multitalented dancer/actor/storyteller, Maria Broom, is beautiful soul. She published a children’s picture book called The Village Bully. It’s the story of what happens in a traditional African village when one of their own mistreats another. Instead of Puritan shaming and punishing, everyone in the village encircles the person and showers them with love and praise. They remind them of their innate goodness, their Highest Self, and reinforce that they’re needed. They’re an integral part of the community. They belong.1
What would it take for our culture to embrace this awareness, rather than hold onto resentment and blame? Part of the shift involves trusting the wisdom of emotion. Emotion is the doorway into belonging.
“Forgiveness is one of the really difficult things in life. The logic of receiving hurt seems to run in the direction of never forgetting either the hurt or the hurter. When you forgive, some deeper, divine generosity takes over. When you can forgive, then you are free.” ~ John O’Donohue, from Anam Cara 2
To refuse forgiveness is to carry a burden of resentment, to allow a wound to fester, and perpetuate separation. In the natural cycle of things, there are births and deaths, injuries and healing, wrongs and pardons. Refusal to pardon may come from a sense of unfairness, of not being heard or understood. What happens when I have the chance to make my case, to tell my story of being wronged, and even to hear the story of my offender with the ears of my heart?
Restorative Response Baltimore, founded 1995 by my sailing friend Dr. Lauren Abramson, is based on the Māori justice circle. Everyone affected by a crime (such as car theft) or a disturbing incident (such as bullying or fighting in school) is gathered in a big circle. This includes the accused; the target(s); their parents, mentors, and friends; law enforcement; insurance adjusters; business leaders—anyone affected by the ripples of disturbance. One by one, each of them is invited to tell their story of what happened and how it affected them.3
Conferencing gets emotional, which is part of its magic. By the end, all the stories have bypassed the rational, judging part of the mind and woven a web of interconnection that is best accessed through emotion. The group, together, takes the final step to brainstorm ways for the offender(s) to make amends. Everyone signs this agreement, and they are held to it.
One of the unpredictable results of many of these conferences is that people, who come together in hostility, skepticism. and reluctance, end up helping each other. They often help even the accused. For example, monetary restitution might be facilitated by one of the others present, as when a small business owner offers to hire the accused to help them pay for the damages to a stolen car. It’s not unusual for lasting relationships of trust and mutual aid to be formed.
“Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”4
Today, I will remember that pardon allows me to experience another person (and myself) as worthy of love and belonging. Resentment and grudges keep me separate, isolated, and lonely. Pardon fulfills my longing for connection and heals the othering that keeps me separate—from myself and from everyone in the web of life.
The previous line of the prayer, For it is in giving that we receive, is here.
Start at the beginning of the series:
Thanks for being here on this journey through St. Francis’ prayer. If you missed our recent Reciprocity interview with the wonderful nature writer, John Lovie, you can read it here.
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See Maria’s beautifully illustrated book and order it on her website.
There’s more: “When you cannot forgive, you are a prisoner of the hurt done to you. If you are really disappointed in someone and you become embittered, you become incarcerated inside that feeling. Only the grace of forgiveness can break the straight logic of hurt and embitterment. It gives you a way out, because it places the conflict on a completely different level. In a strange way, it keeps the whole conflict human. You begin to see and understand the conditions, circumstances, or weakness that made the other person act as they did.”
Learn more about Conferencing on their website
From Sisters of Providence, on this site
Thank you, Julie, for the wonderful information about the Maori justice circle. I think the closest western culture comes to that experience is a successful mediation, in lieu of a court trial of a dispute. If all parties participate with honesty and they all 'feel heard and understood' there is so much possibility of their solving the dispute with their own solution. Sometimes the conflict actually disappears because the injured party feels made whole by the acknowledgement by the perpetrator of what injury they caused. The South African experience with the 'Truth and Reconciliation Commission' was based on similar principles.
And thank you again Julie for this series and all that you have put into it and the beautiful conversations in the comments. Many blessings in the coming final days of dark and its turning again toward light.
Julie, I think of The Village Bully all the time. Or at any rate, when injury arises. I think it’s such a beautiful concept. And yet, I’ve often had a very hard time figuring out how to apply it. As I’m not often in the place to orchestrate a group of people, I think the best I can do is focus inward and find a way to authentically poor love and listening to hurt people, hurting people as often as I can.
Thank you again for your thoughtful, beautiful exploration.